Hi, I’m Linda and posting to “Seated in High Places” for the first time. I’m a survivor and have difficulty dealing with stress, depression and the pace of life in today’s society. I decided to write about my week’s misadventures, challenges, ordeals. What I call them depends on how I feel at the moment. God’s grace came through for me and I will tell you how I knew He was there in my turmoil,
Several weeks ago my phone started having no dial tone and when it did it was crackling. Bleh…just using my cheap cell phone until I could call the phone company on someone’s landline. I just didn’t have enough minutes on the cell to do it. I made one call and the nice automated voice told me my number wasn’t in the system…okaaaaay. Next call told me I was and there was no problem with the line. I knew the phones worked…so I would need to call the property owner. My toilet started dripping last weekend. I checked to see if something was twisted or out of place…nope. I figured I would have to call the property owner. It tends to take me a while to get going on things, so no calls was made yet.
Tuesday I worked a few hours then went to my women’s fellowship group. Watched a teaching on a DVD and discussed it. Prayer for someone then left. I arrived home about 10:15…I started digging through my bag for the keys. I keep my car keys and apartment keys separate. No keys…checked the car…no keys. Texted the Landlord…no reply. Texted women I had just spent time with but received one answer from someone who had just gone to bed. I figured everyone else was too. I did end up spending the night at another friend’s place and was quite grateful. In the time between discovering I didn’t have the keys and arriving at my host’s home, I hit the anxiety highway at 90 miles an hour. I had all kinds of thoughts about being ignored, uncared for, what if I have to sleep in the car…I was crying, wheezing and yelling. For me that is my panic attack…not a pretty picture, feels even worse. I know to pray during this time and often my prayers start out ridiculous. “Please Jesus take me home”, “my friends aren’t my friends”, why did you let this happen” …my inner 4 year old wants comfort, protection and security.
After about 30 minutes, I began to settle down and my thoughts began to settle as well. Often the thoughts linger quite a bit longer. However, I recognized God speaking truth to me….”they are in bed and turned their phone off or silenced it”, “They do care, they have family members visiting or with health issues”, “You haven’t really made them aware of your situation, living alone with little support from others”. I realized my reaction was based on several things. I’ve experienced much rejection at different times of my life and when something seems to not go well in a relationship I default to the rejection response as a victim. That kind of feeling and response gets wired in the brain. I know I need to find a way to respond differently. It seems so “automatic” no thought goes into it…it just happens. Somewhere there’s a thought but I don’t recognize it. I’m not trusting God…because even though I start praying, they are childish prayers. I was in a panic so it could take a few minutes to give the situation over to Him, confess the lies of rejection and listen for His guiding voice. I just didn’t allow the transition that night until after 30 minutes.
God was showing me grace in the midst of my situation and emotional crisis.
I’m sure He spoke to me well before I recognized His calming words. He calmed me and showed me some things I needed to know about this reaction that has frustrated me for a long time. Anxiety, fear of what others will think, of what they will say or do, not recognizing that even in what feels like an out of control situation that God really has control…trusting Him….with everything and everyone in my life. Time to make some different choices, time to actively pursue what God has for my healing, growing up in Him.
By the way…the next morning the Landlord’s master key didn’t work and she had to come back and we had to take the door off the hinges…and the toilet started running, not just dripping. At this point I just groaned and laughed. God has my situation and all the things that are falling apart…including me!